


Shell-shocked

by OxbowElk



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, PTSD, brainwashing stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-05
Updated: 2014-11-05
Packaged: 2018-02-24 04:13:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2567825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OxbowElk/pseuds/OxbowElk





	Shell-shocked

**Post.** Noun. A prefix, meaning “behind,” “after,” “later,” “subsequent to,” “posteriorto,” occurring originally in loanwords from Latin, but now used freely in the formation of compound words.

What was he after? Behind? Later than? Subsequent to? What existed in him before what existed now? What does who he was have to do with who he is? Who he will become? Who will he become? Without HYDRA who is the Winter Soldier? Is he to be a puppet for another organization? Is he to do what someone else wants him to do for the rest of his life? Will he ever have control of himself again?

 

**Trauma.** Noun. A very difficult or unpleasant experience that causes someone to have mental or emotional problems. Usually for a long time.

Was it unpleasant? Had he suffered? He remembered who he had been and what he had done, but on the outside he didn’t appear to be harmed at all. Everybody flocked to protect Steve’s new friend, but he wasn’t the only one who had had someone in their mind other than themself. It was all there, in his head. He had killed for a cause he did not believe in. He did things he would regret for the rest of his life. Because he had lost control.

 

**Stress.** Noun. A state of mental tension and worry caused by problems in your life, work, etc.

He knew the tension wasn’t just in his mind because he had been told that it showed in his body. The way he sat, staring at a wall for hours on end because the blank canvas appealed to him more than the scarlet splattered across his memories. The way his movement was as robotic and calculated as it had been while he had been under HYDRA’s control. Steve said he would become himself again, but was that what he wanted? Did he want to be Bucky? Or did he want to be James?

 

**Disorder.** Noun. A physical or mental condition that is not normal or healthy.

He knew another beer wasn’t the answer. So why did he need reminding?  He had friends who wanted him to get better but he was not going to get better this way. He needed sleep, not coffee. He need therapy, not alcohol. He needed someone, not everyone. The new guy would sit on the couch with him while he drank. Was that what he needed? A drinking buddy? Or did he need someone who reached out and stopped him when he got up to get another bottle? He wasn't getting a drinking buddy.


End file.
